The many beatings of Aragorn
by Seamoose
Summary: Minka, Cerridwyn and Hiyami finally have it all but it seems they have forgotten something. (last chapter).
1. The first chapter (i'm so original).

This is my first try at a story (away from Minkas prying eyes) and I'm kinda mostly asleep right now so its going to be probably short and crappy but I'm sure you can deal with that. Sorry if I repeat myself. Sorry if I repeat myself.  
  
Legolas, Gimli ,Aragorn and Gandalf sat around the table I the middle of the table each holding five cards each except for Aragorn who was only allowed one card because he is a king and probably already has enough money and doesn't need to win any more.  
  
"What are the rules again?" asked Aragorn.  
  
One, kings are only allowed one card, Two, the guy with the pointy hat always wins," answered Gandalf.  
  
"Three, it's not cheating when an elf does it," continued Legolas.  
  
"And four, do not use the dwarf to rest your drink on," finished Gimli. The group had begun to do this when they found that the dwarf had an unusually flat head once he removed his helmet. After they ring was destroyed these four realized that they really had nothing to do now so everybody had decided to take their boredom out on Aragorn in a card game that could very well turn violent.  
  
"Why is it that even though I'm king now that nobody like me," whined Aragorn.  
  
"'Cause everybody thinks your ugly and you can't pronounce my name right," Legolas said.  
  
"Open 600," said Gandalf.  
  
"Raise you 900,"said Gimli.  
  
"That's not very nice," cried Aragorn.  
  
"But you're the worst character in the story. It's my job as one of the better characters to make fun of you." replied Legolas.  
  
"That's it elf," he climbed over the table and grabbed the elf's hair, pulling his wig off to reveal a brown Mohawk.  
  
Legolas broke into tears as he stared at his $4000 wig in the kings hand.  
  
"That's it, kingo. Nobody ,but nobody except me can hurt his feelings." cried Gimli.  
  
" We've had all we can stands, and we can't stands no more." Yelled Gandalf.  
  
Each pulled a large Aragorn beating stick from behind their backs.  
  
"Get him."  
  
They began to club him until Gandalf called to stop.  
  
"Maybe he's had enough,"  
  
"No. I paid good money for that wig and I have a really good idea what to do to him.  
  
Within five minutes they had him strung up like a pinyata while Gandalf and Legolas beat him while Gimli stood underneath catching everything that fell out (mostly teeth).  
  
"Stop right there," cried a voice.  
  
Author Note: I thought it best leave it there cause I want some one to suggest a new way to hurt Aragorn and I will see what I can do.  
  
P.S. This is only for people who hate Aragorn. People who like him are just sad. 


	2. Minka's manicure

Due to Minka's demand its been only about half an hour since I wrote the first chapter and because she is the only other person I know up at this time I am a slave to her will.  
  
I am thinking that I might kill Aragorn and bring him back like Kenny from Southpark but I don't know cause my visions getting blurry and I can't see the ke djf pdsjf sdhfsd hfisnmcx is sdf jasd?..  
  
`Wait,' everyone looked to see a girl that can only be described as Minka. `I want to give him a manicure before you finish him off.'  
  
She pulled out a pair of pliers and clamped them on his thumbnail and promptly ripped it out.  
  
`This is for Legolas,' She moved to the next `and this is for me. And this is for everyone who had to look at your face on the movie screen.'  
  
When they were all pulled out she sat down and began to paint them a disgustingly bright pink.  
  
Gandalf looked mortified, Gimli looked eager (he liked collecting pieces of Aragorn) and Legolas just stood there with a stupid grin on his face as he stared at Minka and adjusted his wig.  
  
All the while Minka sang ` We all know frogs go, la di da di da,' and beckoned for Legolas to come closer.  
  
After painting the nail she patted Gimli's flat head, handed him the nails saying `Here you go little boy,' and she and Legolas ran into the bushes for some private time (It's best not to follow them).  
  
Aragorn cried in pain as Gimli counted the kings nail.  
  
`Here my boy,' said Gandalf `Drink this,' and began to pour gasoline down his throat " and hold this,' he said, lighting a match.  
  
As Aragorn went up in flames the wizard and Dwarf resumed their card game and soaked in the warmth of red, hot king. 


	3. The fun of pulling eyebrows

This is for tinkerbell ( cause she's the one who gave me the best review). All you Aragorn lover's out there can go to hell and I don't need a reason to hate Aragorn, how can you not hate him????? I'm awake for this chapter so I will try and make it longer this time.  
  
After Aragorn had finished his little burning episode and Legolas had come back from his little romp in the bushes the group had become bored. Aragorn lay moaning on the ground crying in pain from his 3^rd degree burns.  
  
Gimli walked over to inspect him.  
  
`Hey, this is freaky guys. His eyebrows didn't burn off,' he called.  
  
`Good,' said Legolas `Let's see how he likes hair removal.'  
  
Gandalf tied the king to a tree while Legolas got out his set of tweezers and nail files and selected a pair.  
  
`Owwwwwaarrggghhhhhh,' screamed Aragorn as he began to pluck out Aragorns eyebrows one at a time, very slowly.  
  
When that was done and Aragorn was in even more pain it was Gandalf who suggested,  
  
`Well he's tied to a tree so we might as well cut it up and roll it down a hill.  
  
A few good swipes from Gimli's axe and they began to rool him down a hill.  
  
Gandalf and Gimli winced every time he went under the trunk but Legolas smiled happily for revenge is sweet.  
  
Okay it was still kinda short but I ain't getting paid so what do I care. 


	4. The first adventure of the rolling Arago...

Here we go again and with no help from the readers (you ugly bastards).  
  
Gimli, Legolas and Gandalf followed the rolling Aragron tree for about five to ten minutes before they got bored.  
  
`That's it,' Legolas cried and stamps off to find an unruffled wig.  
  
`Wanna play another game of cards?' Gimli asked Gandalf.  
  
`Why not,' replied the wizard and deals their hands out.  
  
`Ahhhhhh, ow, Ahhhhhh, ow,' the tree continued to squash him as he was continually rolled over by it because he was tied to it.  
  
`I, ow guess, ow this, ow is, ow going, ow last for, ow awhile, ow damnit,' Aragorn cried when he could.  
  
The felled tree rolled in the distance ready to have some marvelous adventures.  
  
`Just hold still.'  
  
`I am holding still,' said Boromir, wiggling around.  
  
`Your are not,' yelled Faramir `I'll tell Dad your being difficult again.'  
  
`No you won't, cause I have three arrows sticking out of me and I'll tell him that you did it,' said Boromir.  
  
`Hold still.'  
  
`Your hurting me,' cried Boromir.  
  
`Am not,' replied Faramir.  
  
It was then that they both heard a sound that could only be described as a tree that rolled and squashed a king every so often.  
  
`Ahhhhh shi-,' they both cried as the tree hit them, pressing them into each other.  
  
They watched as it rolled over the horizon.  
  
`Damn,' said the two `Dad isn't going to like this.'  
  
Boromir with his three arrows in his torso and now Faramir with his torso impaled on the other ends.  
  
They both stood up and waddled off to Gondor.  
  
That's another on for you. And Minka wants a return chapter so watch out Legolas!!!!!! 


	5. Whipped by Minka.

Thank you for some good reviews, though I still think anyone who likes Aragorn is a stupid freak. About the review that suggested castration of him, I'd rather keep away from that area of Aragorn but I will file that away for future use if need be. Hehehehehe.  
  
The tree came to a stop right about there. See there??? That little spot by the large tree in the forest. Good. I'm glad you understand. Aragorn had managed to get the ropes undone and looked around him.  
  
'Crap,' he stated when he realized that this was the place that he and the others had started the card game. In fact Gimli and Gandalf were still going at it.  
  
He tried to sneak away quietly but ended up standing face to face with Legolas and the girl who could only be described as Minka who seemed to be attached to his arm.  
  
'She came with the wig,' said the elf while pointing to his head.  
  
'And where do you think your going,' asked Minka, who for no particular reason was brandishing a whip of black leather. (And no, Legolas does not have any whip lashings on his back. I'm not so sure about his legs though.)  
  
'No where Ma'm,'Aragorn said looking at the ground.  
  
'Good. Turn around,' she commanded.  
  
He did as she bade and she began to whip him repeatedly.  
  
'Dirty boy,' she cried 'Dirty boy.'  
  
'Hey,' whined Legolas.  
  
'Don't worry, Hubby,' she held up a ring with a diamond bigger than her head 'don't be jealous. I love you.'  
  
It was at this time that her four hobbit bridesmaids came along throwing flowers everywhere.  
  
'All hail Minka,' Frodo, Sam, Pippin and Merry cried.  
  
"Crap,' was all that Aragron could say.  
  
'Salt and ice,' cried Ligulas.  
  
Everybody threw ice and salt on to Argons wounds and there was much merry making.  
  
  
  
Tharp she blows??????????? / 


	6. Where's the conditioner?

A/N : Let me first say that I have been pondering on how to write this chapter for over two weeks now and it came to me when I was playing with the lampshade on my desk. If you thought I couldn't get stranger, well, I'll let you read the story.  
  
  
  
Far away at Isenguard the powerful and terrible wizard Saruman was greeting another dark abomination. After creating his race of super orgs the old guy had moved to more recreational past times.  
  
'Is it done, he asked his orc servants.  
  
'Almost, Master.' they hissed.  
  
His body was tense as he stroked his beard patiently. With a loud bang everyone was throw back from the explosion. Saruman and the orcs both picked themselves up from the floor.  
  
'Is it ready?' his voice was almost a whisper.  
  
'Yeas, Master,' replied the orcs.  
  
Saruman walked over to the point of the explosion and gently removed the debris.  
  
"Oh. It's so beautiful, he cried 'Now I will be as popular as Legolas.'  
  
He stooped to the ground and stared at the bottle of Mirkwood scented Elf shampoo lovingly before picking it up.  
  
'With just a drop of this anyone in the world will become an elf as popular as Legolas.'  
  
'Pop pop pop,' the bottle screamed at him.  
  
Saruman jumped back as the bottle spoke to him.  
  
'You can speak (sort of),' he said.  
  
'Pop,' the bottle cried and spat some of its contents on to a nearby orc.  
  
The orc writhed in agony he sunk to the floor in a heap. A minute later he got back up again.  
  
'Hello. I have many names,' the Aragorn double said.  
  
'Oh no,' the wizard cried 'my plan has gone horribly wrong. The Elf Shampoo turns the user into the stupid ranger. What have I done.'  
  
'Pop,' cried the bottle as it spat some of itself at Saruman.  
  
  
  
  
  
Head left, then right, then left, then right and you would come to a small pile on the floor of the forest that used to be the rightful heir to the throne, Aragorn.  
  
'I think we went to far,' said Gandalf.  
  
'Maybe?' said Legolas.  
  
'Well I'm sure I can salvage some of the parts,' replied Gimli, getting out his pliers 'Teeth, hopefully?'  
  
As Gimli went to work dismantling Gandalf turned to Legolas.  
  
'What happened to that girl who could only be describer as Minka?' he asked.  
  
'I gave her a life sized cut out of me,' he answered 'that should keep her occupied for a while.  
  
'Pop,' all three turned to the direction from which the sound came.  
  
'Let's go see what that was,' Gimli jumped up and ran ahead. He was soon out of sight.  
  
"He's fast for a short ass,' commented Legolas.  
  
'Agreed,' said Gandalf.  
  
When they finally caught up to him he was standing stunned, looking into the distance.  
  
'Shit,' he said "That's a lot of teeth to collect,'  
  
Ten feet away from then stood a small green shampoo bottle jumping up and down crying pop. But the far more frightening thing was that behind it forty more Aragorns.  
  
'I'll just be going to the left,' said Legolas 'Left the iron on.'  
  
'I'll just go to the right,' said the wizard 'Um….. ah…. See ya.'  
  
'Whao,' said Gimli.  
  
  
  
  
  
The world is gone upside down. I can't handle one Aragorn and I don't think anyone else can handle anymore. Stay tuned. 


	7. Is this seven or eight cause I really ca...

Disclaimer: I don't own anybody but that never stopped me before.  
  
A/N: I am having a little technical difficulty as you will soon read and I fear that it will not be long before the characters of the story revolt and have me beheaded. We shall see about that. Let us begin.  
  
  
  
  
  
Legolas, Gandalf, Gimli, about sixty Aragorn doubles and a small green shampoo bottle that repeatedly said "POP" every six seconds had seated themselves in a circle on small wooden chairs.  
  
'As you all know by now,' began Gandalf ' We are here to discuss the behavior and metal stability of the author of this ridiculous fanfiction story.'  
  
Legolas stood up beside him.  
  
'Yes, I agree that he's going just a tad bit overboard lately,' he said.  
  
'We agree also,' the doubles said in unison.  
  
'POP,' the bottle cried.  
  
'I have decided on a plan of action and it will be this-,' but Gandalf was interrupted by the lunch whistle.  
  
'Breaks over people. Move along. Move along.'  
  
  
  
'POP,' cried the monster shampoo as it led the Aragorn clones into a charge and managed to trample Gimli who was still stunned by all those teeth.  
  
'Find the wizard. Find the elf,' the doubles cried together 'Make them just like us.'  
  
The wizard and elf, who had just split up, found themselves together again but not knowing how.  
  
'Their after us,' they screamed.  
  
Out of the bushes jumped the clones and the cursed bottle.  
  
'POP,' screamed the bottle as it spat at the duo.  
  
  
  
As this seems a crucial part of the story I have decided to stop to really see if people want to find out what happens of not. Review and demand and you shall receive. 


	8. Minka gets a part.

Let's begin:  
  
Disclaimer: I own nobody but that never stopped anybody before.  
  
A/N: I realize now that the majority of my reviews are people flaming me about doing something to poor little Aragorn or just telling me that I am plain sick. First of all, do you really think I am serious (only about 75% of the time) and secondly, get over yourselves. To anybody who actually liked this fic all I can say is that you rock and thanks for reading.  
  
A/N2: Advanced sucking abilities is a true story that my best friend Minka actually has. Check her out on this sight.  
  
  
  
  
  
Once again the characters of this story had gathered again to discuss the weirdo who was writing this story.  
  
'So, what's your plan Gandalf?' Legolas asked.  
  
'Strike,' he answered proudly.  
  
'Why?' said an Aragorn 'It's not like we get paid or anything.'  
  
'Can't hurt,' said another.  
  
'Can if we piss the author of,' said a third.  
  
'POP,' said the shampoo bottle.  
  
The whistle blew for them to go back to work.  
  
'We shall meet again,' cried Gandalf and walked off.  
  
*********  
  
  
  
The bottle cried "POP" as its shampooy contents flew toward the elf and wizard.  
  
'NOOOOOOOOOOOOO,' cried the girl who could only described as Minka cried as she flung herself between Legolas and the mutagenic shampoo.  
  
Unfortunately she was to fast and by the time she had soared in front of the elf the shampoo was still on its way.  
  
'Crap,' she cried as she tried her last resort. She used her advanced sucking abilities. Able to please an elf across the other side of the room, and anyone who got caught in the crossfire, she suck the air which stop the shampoo in mid-flight. It turned direction and headed straight for her. She quickly ducked and by the time all this had occurred she looked around and saw that Legolas and Gandalf were being carried by thirty or so Aragorn clones while she stood, facing the evil bottle alone.  
  
'POP', it cried, getting ready to shoot again.  
  
'Mwraaaaaaaaghhhhhhh,' a war cry that was so stupid, even for the one who was crying it came from behind 'Peeeee rrrrrrreeeoooooodddddhhhhhhhhcccccccnnnnnnssssiiiiivbbbbbbfffffkkkkkr,'  
  
Gimli the dwarf began merrily hacking up the Aragorns while singing "He's a lumberjack and he's okay" song and managed to trample the bottle in the process.  
  
As Gimli began his hacking so merrily Minka walked over and asked for help from him to help retrieve her Legolas and Managed to persuade him by promising my Aragorn hacking sessions. After agreeing they set off to find Legolas. Is it just me or did they forget Gandalf?????????/  
  
  
  
This must be proof that I am losing it (don't say a word Minka). Hope you can all deal with that. And next time Minka find Legolas trapped in a tower and tell to let down his hair and he promptly throws his wig on her. Stay tuned. 


	9. Legolas, Legolas. Let down you hair.

Here we go again,  
  
'Hello. Can anybody here me? This is Gandalf. If you have been reading this story you may have forgotten me by now but that does not mean I have gone anywhere. The author has been getting on my nerves of late so I have gotten my revenge but having him hog-tied, thrown in the back of a car and drove off a bridge. Unfortunately he lived and as my punishment he is making me apologize before he does the same to me. Farewell.'  
  
The car enclosed Gandalf was drove over the bridge by the mad author who managed to forget to get out. Shit.  
  
Disclaimed: See last chapter  
  
A/N: My head hurts.  
  
  
  
Where was I? OH yeah.  
  
Minka and Gimli stopped for a rest. Minka hunted for food while the dwarf went through his body part collections.  
  
'Forty-five, forty-six, forty-seven, forty-eight,' he piled the teeth up as he counted them proudly.  
  
'What are you doing,' cried Minka when she came back 'We have to find Leggie.'  
  
'But Minka-,'  
  
'No excuses. He will soon be my husband one day, I hope,'  
  
'Ah yes but-,'  
  
'No buts. How could you be so inconsiderate?'  
  
'If you'd just listen-,'  
  
'How can I listen when he's all alone out there,'  
  
'But he's,'  
  
'You don't even care do you?'  
  
'HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU,' the dwarf screamed.  
  
'What?'  
  
'In the big tower. Looking all forlorn.'  
  
Minka turned and two feet behind her was a huge stone tower with a sad looking elf looking down from the only window.  
  
'Legolas, Legolas, throw down your wonderful hair so that I may climb up and rescue you.'  
  
He promptly threw down his wig, which landed on her head.  
  
'No you idiot,' she cried, throwing his wig back to him.  
  
'Why doesn't he just jump?' suggested Gimli.  
  
'Good idea. Legolas, sweety, honey, darling, why don't you jump and I catch you.'  
  
She stretched out her arms to catch him but winced as she heard the loud thump. She peered to her left at the elf shaped hole in the ground.  
  
'Ooppps.'  
  
There you go. Let's see if I can come p with anything else next time???? 


	10. Downwards

A/N : First let me say that in the first chapter did I or did I not say that this story is for Aragorn haters (or sadistic people). But I guess that doesn't really matter cause I love a good flaming. And to all those readers who actually liked this story (except Minky), it s good to know there are at least some cool people out there.  
  
Disclaimer: Why bother. Everybody already knows I own none of this. No, not even Minka is my character. She is based on my real life friend who rights for this site and she really good if you like LOTR stuff cause she's still kinda sadistic but not at all like me. She has a new story called "The Rending Dark", check it out peoples (that's a hint to keep writing, Minky).  
  
  
  
  
  
They stared at the hole for some time before Minka looked up to Gimli.  
  
'You're a dwarf. You like underground stuff so go get him.' she told him.  
  
'Nah uh,' he replied 'The wholes so damn skinny and I'm more, shall we say, robust.'  
  
'Fat,' said Minka.  
  
'Not for a dwarf,' he defended 'Just by elf standard.'  
  
'Okay then. I'll go.'  
  
She jumped down the whole into complete darkness.  
  
'Throw me a light,' she called up.  
  
A torch came down and struck her on the head. It didn't work.  
  
'Ow. Batteries you bad aiming short ass.'  
  
They managed to hit her in the same spot.  
  
She fumbled around and managed to get the torch working.  
  
When the light flooded in she saw she was surrounded by hundred of Gollum looking characters.  
  
'Hello, precious,' they all crooned at her.  
  
'Where's my Leggie?' she cried.  
  
  
  
This ones really short but I'm sure nobody cares. Bye bye. 


	11. Guest star:::: Hiyami Greenleaf (watch o...

Disclaimer: I own nobody but that never stopped me before.  
  
A/N: Note to Hiyami: Sure you can be in it since you asked so nicely. I would give you Legolas but Minka is my friend and has threatened to hurt if I do (we go to the same school) but I will see what I can to.  
  
Note to everybody: Since people have been talking about it in my reviews you can now expect castration of a certain character within the next couple of chapters.  
  
  
  
Leaving the dwarf outside Minka was dragged along the tunnels by the Gollum like creatures to what looked like a large underground throne room.  
  
'Where am I?' asked Minka.  
  
'You are in my palace,' cried a voice from behind.  
  
Minka turned to see a girl who can only be described as Hiyami (cool name by the way) sitting in a throne. In the throne next to her Legolas was tied and gagged and hopefully for his sake drugged.  
  
'What are you doing with my love?' shrieked Minka.  
  
'My love,' said Hiyami, holding up Legolas' left hand which now sported a gold ring 'I married him the instant I saw him.'  
  
'Give him back.'  
  
'Seize her,' Hiyami cried.  
  
From out of the walls stepped fifty or so Aragorn clones. They and the Gollum creatures advanced upon Minka.  
  
Just as they were about to grab her there was a bang and smoke filled the room.  
  
'Cough, cough. Wait, this isn't a birthday party for me,' cried Gandalf. He stared at the author 'Why do you tease me so? Is my mental health a game to you? It's my birthday and I want presents.  
  
'Precious,' cried the Gollum creatures as they charged him and dragged him down the tunnels out of everybody's way.  
  
Back to the others.  
  
The Aragorn doubles were just about to grab Minka when something was about to jump in and save her. I really can't think of anything right now so they just grabbed her, okay?  
  
'To the pits,' cried Hiyami, cradling Legolas in her arms.  
  
'Nooooooooo. Save me Legolas,' cried Minka as they dragged her away.  
  
  
  
On to the next chapter, when I can bother to write it. 


	12. Man eating poodles.

It's been twenty minutes since I wrote the last chapter and I have managed to forget everything. On well. You get that I suppose.  
  
  
  
A/N: Sorry Hiyami, Minka is already threatening my but lets see what I can do though.  
  
  
  
The Aragorn clones held Minka over the pit the held a dangerous assortment of angry bunny rabbits and man-eating poodles. Queen Hiyami of the underground held Legolas in her arms and watched from the side.  
  
'Drop her,'  
  
The clones through her in the pit and then as she was falling she heard a scream and was plucked from the air by someone swinging on a rope. It was Gimli.  
  
'Gee. Thanks short ass,' she told him.  
  
'Anything for you my love,' he told her.  
  
'What???'  
  
'I have realized that I love you.'  
  
'Ah that's nice but no,' she said as she shoved him in the pit.  
  
'Get her,' screamed Hiyami, and Minka was rushed by the Aragorn clones again.  
  
Minka screamed a war cry as she pulled out a little belt blade she was telling me about the other day.  
  
  
  
**********************************  
  
Meanwhile on a little sign in the corner of the cave read the words : Gandalf is on strike.  
  
As if anybody cares. 


	13. Gandalf gets a chapter!!!!!!!!

A/N: You may have noticed that one of the characters is having some problems of late. Since I am afraid of him trying to smother me in my sleep I have decided to devote some time to him. A special note to the 'darkest writer' : 1. Get over it. I am a lord of the rings fan but I don't take myself to seriously okay 2. I keep on writing because people like you (and of course some fans as well) keep on reviewing me.  
  
  
  
'What's wrong, Gandalf?'  
  
The wizard pouted his lips 'Nothing.'  
  
'Come on. Something's bothering you.'  
  
'You don't care.'  
  
'I know but your difficult to work with like this so I had better work this out now or we will have no peace.'  
  
'You keep forgetting me all the time.'  
  
'I'm sorry.'  
  
'No your not.'  
  
'Well, I guess that's true.'  
  
'See. You hate me.'  
  
'Well, kinda yeah.'  
  
The wizard began to cry and pulled his hat over his face.  
  
'Everybody hates me.'  
  
'No they don't. Well maybe they do. I'm not really sure.'  
  
He began crying harder.  
  
'Stop that. Now.'  
  
He started crying harder still.  
  
'If you don't stop crying I will do something bad to you.'  
  
'Go ahead,' he said through tears 'I don't care anymore.'  
  
'You asked for it then.  
  
For no reason at all Gandalf was now wearing a cheer leaders outfit and started to dance the tango by himself until an Aragon double joined him.  
  
The picture begins to fade out.  
  
'I will have my revenge,' he yelled as everything faded to darkness.  
  
  
  
I just that I would mention that Gandalf is actually one of my favorite characters. We just got into an argument and he pissed me off so this is my way at getting back at him. 


	14. Sidekick's.

Disclaimer: I own everything (though I seem to have misplaced my sanity).  
  
A/N: A couple more of you cool reviewers asked if you could be in it so why not. The new guest stars are Cerridwyn and Lotrangelle who will now just be Angelle. I'll try to be nice but look what I made Minka do and she's my friend (and we go to the same school so she's in a position to hurt me). Here I go again. And to all those people who hate me and want to write fanfic's about me can go ahead cause it wouldn't be the first time.  
  
  
  
Minka's war cry was drowned out as she was rushed by both the Gollum creatures and Aragorn clones.  
  
'Hahahahahahahahahaha. You shall never defeat me,' cried Hiyami as she petted Legolas' wig, having misplaced his body thirty seconds ago.  
  
'You know that I am technique ally married to him,' Minka told the underground queen.  
  
'So what,' she replied 'Never stopped anybody before.'  
  
'Good point.'  
  
'Take her away,' Hiyami screamed on the top of her lungs.  
  
The clones and creatures began to drag Minka in the same direction as they had taken Gandalf two chapters ago (or was it three?).  
  
'STOP,' two voices cried in unison.  
  
Everybody turned to see a girl who could only be described as Cerridwyn and the girl whose name I shortened to Angelle.  
  
'Who are you?' asked Hiyami.  
  
'Duh. They just said that,' said Cerridwyn 'Like, two sentences ago.'  
  
'Hi Minka,' said Angelle as she walked up to Minka and began to stare at her.  
  
'Uh. Who the hell are you?'  
  
'I'm your sidekick. I like sunny days, puppy dogs and dandelions,' she told her.  
  
'I can see that this arrangement isn't going to work out very well,' Minka muttered.  
  
'So I guess that makes you my sidekick?' asked Hiyami.  
  
'Dream on,' scoffed Cerridwyn 'I'm only here for one thing and now that I've got it I'm gonna leave now,' and she pulled Legolas out from behind a rock.  
  
'He's mine,' cried Hiyami and Minka.  
  
'He's Minka's,' cried Angelle.  
  
'Sorry losers,' Cerridwyn made a face as she climbed the ladder that led back to the surface.  
  
'After her,' Minka and Hiyami screamed as they saw her disappear from sight.  
  
'Yes, after her,' screamed Angelle.  
  
'Your really starting to bug me, you know,' Minka told her sidekick.  
  
'Sorry Ma'm,' said Angelle.  
  
Everyone (the clones and creatures included) began to clear out into the forest.  
  
When all was quiet you hear the sound of a lonely dwarf.  
  
'Help me,' whimpered Gimli 'Oh no. The rabbits ate my teeth collection.'  
  
  
  
There we go. If ya wanna join in then just ask me. All I request is that you give me a name for your character.  
  
Notice: Gandalf did not appear in this chapter because he and I got into a fight and he has run away to lick his wounds. I managed to escape with only a couple cuts but he came out pretty bad. Oh well, that will teach him to try and beat me with a metal pole when I sleep. 


	15. Yet another marriage.

Disclaimer: Same as last time.  
  
A/N: There hasn't been any time for anyone to review cause I wrote the last chapter ten minutes ago so the characters are the same. Here goes nothing.  
  
  
  
Legolas opened his eyes to see the face of Cerridwyn looking down at him. She held up her left hand, which bore a golden ring (No, not that ring) and smiled at him.  
  
'We're married now,' she told him.  
  
'But I was unconscious,' he said.  
  
'What's your point?'  
  
'Uh, nothing I guess. I'm just too confused to know what's going on lately.'  
  
'Aha, that's nice but why don't you just shut up and listened to me for a while,' Cerridwyn said 'Now that I'm married to an elf that must make me an elf. That's one step away from being a tree. I want to be a tree so I can sway in the wind.'  
  
'Hmmmm,' Legolas looked left to right for escape 'That's nice.'  
  
They heard rustling of the bushes behind them.  
  
Minka and Angelle jumped out. Minka was limping because her cousin was shot by an arrow so she wanted to as well so she got her side kick to while they were looking for Legolas (she requested this and I must say that even I am confused).  
  
'That's my husband,' cried Minka.  
  
'Yeah, her husband,' cried Angelle.  
  
'Give him back.'  
  
'Yeah, give him back.'  
  
'Or else.'  
  
'Yeah, or else.'  
  
'That's it,' yelled Minka 'I've had enough,' and she promptly began to strangle Angelle.  
  
'Good. Those two to piss me off. Let's get out of here. Wait. Where's Legolas.'  
  
'What did you do with my husband?' screamed Minka.  
  
'Yeah, her husband,' said Angelle.  
  
'That's it. Your dead,' and Minka recommenced strangling.  
  
At that moment an Aragorn clone ran by.  
  
'Follow that clone,' yelled Cerridwyn and all three set off after it with Minka And Angelle still strangling each other.  
  
  
  
My head really hurts so I'm gonna stop and let people review now. 


	16. Tradition.

Disclaimer: I don't own anybody but I am keeping Gandalf in a cage right now.  
  
A/N: Don't worry Andrael, you have seen the truth and you can be in it. You too Kayla.  
  
I'm going to focus on some good old Aragorn beating this chapter so I hope that all  
  
sadists out there enjoy yourselves.  
  
  
  
While a whole bunch of people have been running around after Legolas and been doing god knows what to him I thought you might want to know about what happened to the remaining Aragorn's that are running around. Well, most of them decided to have a tea party in the forest.  
  
'Would you like some tea, Aragorn,'  
  
'Yes, thank you, Aragron.'  
  
It was at this point that the Aragorns (of which there were 25) noticed two figures standing off to the side from them. They were both dressed in black robes and none of their features could be seen. The only distinguished characteristic was that each wore a white sign with green letters on it. One read Kayla and the other Andrael. They both removed their hoods and Kayla held on to the leash of her man-eating poodle, Fifi.  
  
'I'm sorry but this is the end for you,' said Kayla 'We have taken it upon ourselves to follow the authors original plot and now we must hurt you.'  
  
'Actually I'm just here for moral support because the author had a mental block when it cam to my character,' explained Andael.  
  
The Aragorns look nervously at each other.  
  
'Fifi, attack.'  
  
The poodle lived up to its name and quickly ate one of the Aragrons and spat out the bones. The other doubles quickly ran away while Fifi finished it off.  
  
It was at this time that Legolas chose to walk up next to them.  
  
'Good work. It's good to see tradition still living on.'  
  
Kayla looked at Legolas and screamed 'Fifi, attack.'  
  
The poodle lunged to kill but Minka jumped in and blocked the dog from killing the elf.  
  
She was followed close behind Cerridwyn, Angelle and Hiyami.  
  
'Nobody hurts Legolas,' Hiyami, Minka and Cerridwyn cried.  
  
'Yeah, nobody,' cried Angelle.  
  
While they all started to argue over Legolas' death Andrael chose this moment to break in to song.  
  
'We all know frog's go, la di da di da, la di da di da.'  
  
  
  
  
  
*******************************************  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, Gandalf began to band on the bars of his cage.  
  
'My water dish is empty.' 


	17. Care Bare Queen.

Disclaimer: Did you know that every time I try to write the word Disclaimer I spell it wrong????  
  
A/N: This chapter is dedicated to the review I got 2 minutes ago from the person called Lafitafi aka. The Care Bear Queen aka. The chick who's little brother needed a tampon really bad. And yes you can be in it.  
  
  
  
Lafitafi the care bear queen was giving her care bears a bath. She cleaned the blue ones and the green ones and the red ones. What she was doing in a forest filled with Aragorn clones I'll never know. But when an Aragorn clone ran by she quickly forgot her bears and ran after him, stepping on several of the little creatures in the process.  
  
'Wait for me,' she cried.  
  
The Aragorn double stopped and walked back to meet her.  
  
'Hi, I'm Strider.' He said.  
  
'I know who you are but right now I have the strongest urge to beat you,' she told him.  
  
'Oh. Could you not please?'  
  
'No. I don't think so.'  
  
She pulled a care bear out from behind her back and began to beat Aragorn over the head with it. It wasn't long until she had beaten him unconscious. From behind her came some clapping. There stood Gimli.  
  
'I see we have some things in common,' he told her 'Do you want to help me find someone I'm looking for.'  
  
'No.'  
  
'Oh, okay. What if we could beat some more Aragorns?'  
  
'No, I'm good.'  
  
'I see. What if I told you we might find a certain elf that everybody seems to have a thing for?'  
  
Lafitafi quickly jumped on the dwarf's shoulders and began to use the care bear like a horsewhip.  
  
'Move it shorty.'  
  
'Yes Ma'm.'  
  
They began to ride into the sunset. 


	18. Meanwhile

Disclaimer : Hey I actually spelt it right for once!!!!!!  
  
A/N: I must say that it has been almost a month since I have had access to fanfiction but I'm back so lets get a rollin'.  
  
  
  
'You've gotten us lost, haven't you?'  
  
'No. You did.'  
  
The Care Bear Queen looked about in dismay. After she had rode Gimli into the sunset they realized that it was only a cardboard cutout.  
  
'You take that back,' said The Care Bear Queen 'Or I'll smite you with the back of my hand.'  
  
'Hey look. What's that?'  
  
Not very far away there were three Aragorns sitting around a tree stump. The Care Bear Queen skipped happily up to them.  
  
'Excuse me? Have you by any chance seen a blonde wigged elf around here?' she asked.  
  
'Or a girl that could only be described a Minka?' said Gimli.  
  
'No,' said one.  
  
'Go away,' said the second.  
  
'We're pretending to be tree stumps,' said the third.  
  
'Oh,' said The Care Bear Queen and began to walk away. After a moment she realized that they were being stupid, walked back and smote then with the back of her hand.  
  
'Let's go, Earth Dog,' she told Gimli.  
  
  
  
  
  
Meanwhile………….  
  
  
  
'I found him first,' said Lafi, pulling on Legolas' arm.  
  
'No. I did,' cried Teague.  
  
  
  
Another meanwhile …………….  
  
  
  
'Stop copying me,' cried Minka, as she beat Angelle's head on the ground.  
  
  
  
  
  
And yet another meanwhile………………….  
  
  
  
Gandalf begins to nail sign all over the forest that read "Gandalf for Author".  
  
  
  
Now I'm back in the mood you can expect more (hopefully better that this) chapters soon. 


	19. Gandalf for Author

Disclaimer: I own nobody but I might own you.  
  
A/N: HMMMMMMMMMMMM  
  
After a vicious struggle, the one called Teauge managed to grab Legolas and began to run through the forest again.  
  
'Your all mine, though I'm not even sure if I like you,' she told him.  
  
The elf had fainted dead away but never seemed to bother anybody before.  
  
'Drop him,' came a voice from the trees.  
  
'Make me,' Teague screamed at the voice.  
  
Out of the bushes a large object flew out and hit Teague in the head, knocking her over and sending Legolas flying into the air. Minka managed just to catch him before he made another elf shaped hole in the ground.  
  
'At last, he's mine,' she cried.  
  
'Ow. That hurt,' screamed Teague. She picked up the object that hit her in the head (witch turned out to be Angelle). She held her like a baseball bat and swung at Minka.  
  
Minka pulled back just in time but did not manage to get Legolas out of the way. He soared into the air like, well, an elf and disappeared in the distance.  
  
'Noooooooooooooo,' they all cried and at that point everybody realized that Hiyami had just come onto the scene.  
  
'You die,' Minka cried as she pounced on Teague.  
  
Back to the Care Bear Queen……………  
  
  
  
'I've had an epiphany,' cried the Care Bear Queen.  
  
'Did it hurt? asked Gimli.  
  
'A little. But why don't we wait for Legolas to come to us?'  
  
'That'll never work,' scoffed the dwarf.  
  
'Let's see then.'  
  
They waited and sure enough The Care Bear Queen was stuck on the head by an elf that fell out of the sky.  
  
'See,' said the Care Bear Queen, seeing stars before her eyes 'I told you it would work.  
  
  
  
At the podium……………  
  
  
  
'I offer you a better story, I will keep to the point, not be so violent and promise to personally kill the author. So please, vote for Gandalf.'  
  
I worry. 


	20. The Care Bear Queens little sister's can...

Disclaimer: I managed to spell it wrong 3 times this time.  
  
A/N: Looking back I now see that my chapters have been very short. This is due to my extremely short attention span, which causes me to ju  
  
  
  
The Care Bear Queen sat in her throne thinking over good luck she had had in this story. The elf of her dreams had hit her on the head and a wonderfully large castle had popped up in front her. She petted Legolas, who was tied and gagged in the throne next to her and then made a signal for Gimli to get her another goblet of wine.  
  
As new ruler of the forest she had taken to ordering everybody about and to her surprise they had started obeying. As an added bonus all the Aragorns and Gollum creatures of the forest had become her servants while she kept her Care Bears posted as sentries patrolling the castle.  
  
'Yes, life is sweet,' she told herself.  
  
  
  
  
  
Outside the castle…………………  
  
'Okay men,' said Minka.  
  
'Ladies,' corrected Cerridwyn.  
  
'Ladies. We have captured her highnesses little sister and I believe she is the key to getting back my Legolas.'  
  
'My Legolas,' said Hiyami.  
  
'My Legolas,' said Cerridwyn.  
  
'Minka's Legolas,' said Angelle.  
  
'Quiet you,' snapped Minka 'I've left the questioning in the hands of Teauqe, Andrael and Kayla. They should be able to handle it.'  
  
'What are they using?' asked Hiyami 'Thumb screws?'  
  
'Hot pokers?' questioned Cerridwyn.  
  
'Hot pokers?' copied Angelle 'Ooopps. Wrong person.'  
  
'Something much worse,' said Minka in a hushed voice.  
  
'Much worse,' repeated Angelle.  
  
'That's it,' Minka screamed as began to throttle her incredibly annoying sidekick again.  
  
'Let's go see for ourselves,' declared Cerridwyn.  
  
'After you,' said Hiyami.  
  
In a little room by a tree, just over there, screams of horror could be heard. Taking deep breaths, the two elf fanatics stepped into the room and gasped at the horror they saw.  
  
Lafi, it seemed, had managed to get a hold of the frozen yogurt supply and now her three captors were lying on the floor with brain freeze.  
  
'What happened here?' the new comers cried.  
  
Lafi had a crazy look in her eye.  
  
'Get them,' she cried.  
  
Using her powers that allow her to control anybody whose brain had frozen, she commanded them to attack (as you can tell this is the point where I was at a loss for ideas but I give myself a gold star for originality).  
  
They ran to the door to escape but Teaque had blocked it.  
  
'Move,' Hiyami cried.  
  
'Not while I'm standing,' hissed Teaque.  
  
At that point they all heard a whooshing sound. A large object hit Teaque in the head and knocked her out. It flew through the air and struck both Kayla and Andrael. It flew back and Hiyami and Cerridwyn realized that the object was Angelle.  
  
'The bitch ain't standing now,' Minka said with a grin 'And that wasn't entirely what I asked for.' She glared up at the author and the author looked sheepish.  
  
Minka dropped Angelle and grabbed Lafi and dragged her outside.  
  
'Where is Legolas?' she demanded.  
  
'In there,' Lafi pointed to her left.  
  
Minka looked and saw that less than five metres away was a castle that various signs saying 'we have Legolas', 'come and meet the prince of Mirkwood' and 'he's all mine' were plastered all over. In the very top tower was a flag that had the words 'He's in here, stupid' written on them.  
  
'I think I might have found him,' said Minka 'Come on, Men.'  
  
'Ladies,' corrected Hiyami.  
  
'Exactly.'  
  
  
  
Well it wasn't much longer but there you go. Might write another soon. 


	21. Vote for Gandalf

Disclaimer: I am really pissed off right now cause fanfiction wasn't working when I wrote this and it said it should be working by yesterday at the latest but it isn't but I should stop bitching and just get writing.  
  
A/N: My tests are over and my mind is free but the problem with that is it takes at least a half an hour to put it back into it's cage and the little bastard bites. Point is now I can write without that little nagging feeling that I should be doing something.  
  
  
  
Gandalf stood on a forest corner handing out flyers to passers by. They read 'Gandalf for author' and had information on his plan to overthrow yours truly. But since this is a forest and all the other characters are off at the Care Bear Queens castle the only people who bothered to take any were squirrels and even then they only used them to line there homes with. If anyone had happened to read them they would have read about how the wizard was sick of oppression and also how he was planning to smother me in my sleep or spread vicious rumors.  
  
At this point Gandalf looked up into the sky.  
  
'Your mocking me, aren't you,' asked Gandalf and the author shook his head.  
  
'You'll pay for everything you've done,' he finished and began to shake his fist at the author.  
  
*******************************************  
  
  
  
I have decided to keep a tally and it will be recorded at the beginning of each chapter from here on in so:  
  
Votes for Gandalf: 0  
  
Votes for Author : 0  
  
HHHmmmmmmmm. Back to story next chapter. 


	22. Introducing Figwit.

Disclaimer: After all this time I still can't spell that damn word. Even If I don't own anybody what ya gonna do about it.  
  
A/N: It's been ages since I updated and I have some new characters for you all. Typo, you may join the crew and I think you're going to enjoy your part and your new partner. Yes that's right, it's the one, the only, FIGWIT. For those of you who don't know him well that's just too bad. Come on people. Keep those votes coming.  
  
Votes:  
  
Gandalf: 2  
  
Author: 3 Yay...!!!  
  
The one, the only, Figwit was walking down a forest pathway when he heard a sound that sound like screaming but not quite. He searched the forest until he come upon a strange girl that was roasting an Aragorn over the fire and had several more tied up. 'Oh my god. What are you doing?' cried Figwit (at this time he realized that the screaming but not quite screaming was coming from the Aragorn (he cant pronounce anything right)). 'You have to turn him clockwise. He'll cook better then.' 'Thanks,' said the girl 'Who are you?' 'I'm the one, the only, Figwit,' he said 'Who are you?' 'People call me Typo girl but you can call me Typo girl.' 'Ok. What's that?' he asked. 'That's the Care Bear Queens castle, I think. That's where they have Legolas.' 'What???? Legolas, my old archenemy in there. I have to go fight him.' 'Can I come?' she asked. 'Sure,' he said and they set off together.  
  
********************************************** 'Are you ready, men?' 'Ladies.' 'Whatever.' Minka, Hiyami and Cerridwyn walked side by side. Each carried a bow and arrow and as they entered the throne room they struck a Charlies Angel pose in the doorway. 'We've come to take back Legolas,' they cried. 'Yeah, Legolas,' said Angelle right before she ducked to avoid the arrow Minka shot at her head. Legolas, who was receiving a bath from the Care Bear Queen and Gimli in a tub next to the throne rolled his eyes in a "Not again" fashion. 'Attack,' said the Care Bear Queen absently with a wave of her hand and left the rest to the Gollum creatures and Aragorns. Aragorn's and Gollum creatures were slayed left and right as the three fought for their Legolas until pretty soon there were none left at all. The Care Bear Queen surveyed the mess and began to look nervous. 'Right. I'll just be going this way now,' and exited, stage left. With her gone the spell over Gimli had broken and realized who he was looking at. 'Minka, my love,' he cried and ran to her and started planting big sloppy kisses all over her face. Seizing the chance, Cerridwyn and Hiyami ran to grab Legolas while Minka was down but he was no where to be seen. All they could here was a laugh of a strange girl and a whisper on the wind that sounded like figwit, figwit, figwit....  
  
Where is Legolas. Find out next time.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Welcome to the Gandalf hour. Here is the section for everybody who like Gandalf. Unfortunately for Gandalf the author saw fit to cut it out of the story but he was allowed one line.  
  
"Vote for me and I'll be your friend." 


	23. This here's a take over, see?

Disclaimer: I own a can of Pepsi max and that is all.  
  
A/N: Big fat hermaphrodites with a flock of seagull's haircuts and only one nostril scare me.  
  
Sorry peoples, you can't vote more than once.  
  
Gandalf: 2 Author: 3  
  
Back at camp Figwit and Typo had tied Legolas to a large wooden stake.  
  
'Why are we doing this?' Typo asked.  
  
'For the good of all elves who are not as popular as Legolas and don't need the competition,' answered Figwit.  
  
'Oh. Can I help?'  
  
'Sure. You may sprinkle flowers all over the ground.'  
  
'Ah, why?' she asked.  
  
'Because elves liked flowers,' he explained 'And fancy hairdo's and perfume and pretty clothes and somesuch.'  
  
'I'LL DO IT,' The Care Bear Queen screamed.  
  
They both jumped out of their skins and after a moment or two to sew them back on Figwit asked 'Where the @$&# did you come from?'  
  
'Oh, here and there,' she said absently, patting one of her many surrounding care bears 'Ooohhhhh. There's my Leggie.' She bounded up to him and started stroking his face. 'Precious.'  
  
'Don't do that. I, the one, the only Figwit and going to destroy him.'  
  
'Wait,' said Typo 'Wasn't this and Aragorn Beating story?'  
  
'So I got a little side tracked,' said the Author with a shrug of his shoulders.  
  
'Well I want him back,' said The Care Bear Queen. She grabbed one arm while the one, the only, Figwit grabbed the other and yet another Legolas tug-o-war started again.  
  
Typo faced the reader.  
  
'Sorry, Folks. We'll be right back.'  
  
*************************************  
  
Gandalf sat in the circle of chairs with Kayla, Teague, Andrael and Lafi.  
  
'So as I was saying, the Author appears to have forgotten to pt you in the story again. Please, join with me and you will have all the story devoted to your four and nobody else.'  
  
'Well-,' said Lafi.  
  
'Ummm-,' said Teague.  
  
'Maybe-,' said Andrael.  
  
'Hhmmm-,' said Kayla.  
  
'Grrrr-,' growled Fifi.  
  
'Why not?' asked Gandalf.  
  
'Minka scares us,' they all said together.  
  
'Well if you vote for me I can take care of that for you.'  
  
'Oh no you don't came a cry from behind,' came a cry from behind 'Gimli. Attack.' 'No. No. Nooooooooo.'  
  
Everyone scattered as Minka, Cerridwyn, Hiyami and Angelle stepped onto the scene holding their bows and arrows.  
  
'We're taking over this story,' cried Minka 'And there's nothing you can do about it.'  
  
  
  
Gulp... 


	24. The end

Disclaimer: If you read this sentence then I own you.  
  
A/N: Hmmmmmmmm. What are you looking at??  
  
Minka, Cerridwyn and Hiyami sat on their triple thrones and surveyed their forest with great happiness. They now had everything they could ever wish for in this story. They were queens, they owned Legolas (hanging in a little cage above the thrones) and everybody who could possibly be threat was in the dungeons. Except for Angelle who was given the cushy job of court jester by Lady Minka and Gimli who had taken the job of personally protecting the three queens, particularly Minka. Yes, all was as the queens wanted and nothing had been forgotten except for three mysterious characters. It seemed that in their receiving what they wish for the queens forgot their rival, the Care Bear Queen, The one, The Only Figwit and his new little sidekick, Typo girl.  
  
Want to find out what will happen to all the others from the story and whether the Care Bear Queen will regain her rightful throne? To find out read my next story entitled.  
  
THE QUEST OF FIGWIT AND CO. 


End file.
